My testimony is exceptionally long, so I will share only some points briefly!
I had planned to commit suicide on my 24th birthday. I had been in a deep dark dungeon of depression.
I had an attempted suicide at the age of 16 years old. I had grown up in a home of domestic violence. My mum eventually divorced my dad after he broke my sister's nose.
My mum went on to marry another man who was a violent alcoholic, and the domestic violence and verbal abuse started all over again.
I was also bullied in secondary school, so there was no safe place. I would dread going to school and fear going home. At 16 years old,I felt my eyes had seen enough, my ears had heard enough, and I no longer wanted to live. I hated him, myself, and life. One evening I came home drunk and got into an argument with my mum. I went upstairs to my room where I had a bottle of painkillers in my room. I took what was left in the bottle and waited for my mum to go to bed, more tablets were kept in the kitchen cupboard. However, my mum did not go to bed and stayed up. I continued to wait but with the number of tablets and alcohol in my system I passed out. When I awoke in the morning, I was in absolute agony, I had really excruciating stomach pains. I was rolling around on the floor and I was vomiting and continued to vomit for the next three days, I could not hold anything down in my stomach. My mum asked me what was wrong and I just said I had food poisoning. My life just continued on after that.
Approaching my 24th birthday and looking back over the years, I felt nothing had changed in my life, I was still consumed by the pain
of the past and I was still just as miserable. My life was a complete mess.
I cried out to God, If you're there? HELP ME!! because I can’t take it anymore! I'm going to kill myself on my birthday and this
time I'll make sure I have all the tablets.
My birthday fell on a Wednesday and on the Saturday before, circumstances led me to be at a bus stop in Golders Green. Two girls approached me. One of the girls said, “We
are from a local church and we are just letting people know where we are". The other girl said, "I just want to tell you, Jesus loves you!" I started to cry and said, "What if everythings a mess". and she said: "God is a good God, he's a God of one chance,
two chances, three chances".
I remember how happy they looked and I remember their faces were shining, they seemed so peaceful. I remember thinking, I wish I was that happy!
me to church the following day. I thought to myself, I’m not killing myself until Wednesday, I may as well go!
The following day I went to the church (a restaurant) I remember walking in and I heard this amazing music.
The girl leading worship said, "You think your problems are big but nothing is bigger than God".
I thought they're just words, they're not going to change my life, I’m too far gone!
was a preacher who was from Hawaii, a very prophetic man of God. He called me up for prayer (At this point, I had not told them about my plans to kill myself.) He prayed for me and then asked all the ladies in the church to come up and lay hands and
pray for me.
Afterwards, I felt like ten thousand bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I walked out of the church and thought this will not last, just wait till I get to the end of the road, it will all come back.
I got to the end of the road and still felt great. I continued this all the way home. I thought just wait till you get home, once you put the key in the door, it will all come back. Once inside the house, I still felt great!
night I had a bath and my feet left two black imprints on the bathtub. I tried for ages to clean them but they would not go! I thought this is really strange. I called my mum and my mum spent the next half an hour scrubbing these black imprints.
On the Wednesday – which was my birthday I went to the bible home group and gave my life to the Lord, I told them what happened and the pastor informed me a deliverance had occurred.
The following Sunday
I went to church and thought I can’t wait to go out on the streets with them, to tell others about Jesus, I bet they go out every week. That Sunday the pastor stood up and said, that was the very first time they had gone out onto the streets, that he
had heard God say, "Send the people out"! I was so gobsmacked, I had just taken it for granted that they were out on the streets all the time, like it was just a coincidence or something. God heard my cry and answered my prayer.
God completely turned
my life around, I had never felt such peace, love and joy.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid John 14:27
Jesus came to set the captives
free and he set me free that day!
One of my friends, Helen Stevens has written two books. The first was titled Within The Castle Walls. The book takes place in a crumbling castle in Devon. I'm one of the characters in the book, Jacinta is an Irish Gypsy who roams around, reading tea leaves and forewarns the main character of approaching danger.
Before God saved my life, I went on a search, I wanted to know what life was about, why were we here, and why did so many bad things happen. I hated myself, others, and life so much. I wanted to find the answers and I wanted to be happy.
My search led me to buy many books. I was searching other religions and bought books on how to be happy, and how to be confident. I visited tarot card readers, I wanted to know what my future would hold, and was anything good going to happen.
I practised Feng Shui, Reiki. I had bought many crystals and other items. I bought many books on healing and self-healing. I even visited a hypnotist. Then bought tapes from a famous hypnotist. I practised meditation, Thai chi and yoga. I then started to learn how to read tarot cards and palms. I would also use a swinging pendulum to try and get answers.
However, after all my searching and trying to change a deep emptiness would always return. A deep void. I would smoke, drink alcohol, and self-harmed. Trying to fill this void but nothing worked. It always came back to a deep emptiness.
When God saved my life, I had never felt such peace, joy and love. I actually burnt everything I owned, the items I could not burn I threw in the bin. I had over two thousand pounds worth of items. No one told me to do it. I just knew I had to. I knew none of that stuff saved my life, that it was Jesus. That when I called out to God to save me, he sent Jesus, Jesus who heals and delivers. I knew all the rest of the stuff was a lie and that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life!
When we stay in the presence of the Lord, nothing compares to his peace,
his love and his joy.
He is always so faithful and he never lets me go, even when I want to, he always lifts me out of slimy pits.